Once upon a time in my mind

Sometimes I do sketches spaced out and they may not be perfect and professional looking but they tell me about what I'm preoccupied about. ( most of the time).

This one, what I can read from it is,a startled confused woman, who's struggling to find who she is... Struggling with what she thinks society wants from her. The woman who would never go outside her door without any makeup on. Everything feels exagarated just by looking at her, just because this is how she truly feels. She cries alone, so lonely in her privacy because of all the pressure she feels to be perfect and then she puts on her makeup, her mask and walks amongst the population. She always feels inadequate so instead of showing who she is, she sells this perfect image she feels everybody needs to see. Without knowing it, she's destroying herself. 

Let's love ourselves just the way we are. Stand up for the person within and WIN.

LOVE,

J

Between Love and hate, lines can sometimes be blurry. In memorium ofall we lost in '94 genocide

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/04/06/magazine/06-pieter-hugo-rwanda-portraits.html?_r=3

After reading this article and looking at the pictures, here are my thoughts at the 20th commemoration of the  massacres and  genocide of Tutsis :

It is Hard to fathom but real... I feel deep down both people will always know. It's an understanding between souls that they know what happened but they choose to live, because otherwise it would be re living the events every day and nothing is worse than feeling that frightful gut feeling. Frightened that day would be your last. Or for the perpetrators side, being haunted by all those souls they murdered.

At the deepest of all of our heart, there is a little light called love. 

Rest in peace dear aunts, uncles, friends, dear ones. May you find a peaceful place to rest for eternity.

--- click on the link to read those poignant stories. Courtesy of the New York Times Photographs By PIETER HUGO

Text by SUSAN DOMINUS

Confessions of a mother

Here I am again. My monologue might be a bit scattered, so I apologize in advance.

First of all, I hate Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays... Like so many people, I often find myself stuck in the "train-train quotidien". This routine takes it's toll on you as a parent. As a mother, I'm very fortunate to be able to work from home, this way I can take care of my daughter. I decided to have a Dayhome after the office job was depressing me. I had just gotten out of maternity leave, my daughter was only a few months old and after a few months at work, I couldn't handle being away from her. My days looked like this: I woke up at the crack of dawn, around 6:00am, got myself ready, had a cup of tea and got my daughter ready. By 7 am I was out of the house. I dropped her off at daycare and went off to work and wouldn't see her until 6:30-7pm. Now, keep in mind that I had never spent that much time away from her.
 By the time we got home, it was dinner, bath and bed. This went on for a few months and I started feeling guilty for not spending more time with her. That's when I decided to go a different way.

Motherhood is not easy, it is not all roses all the time. It's funny how you always see the perfect family on TV but trust me, that is just an illusion. I'm happy to be a parent, I get so happy watching her grow into a little person with her own mind but I will say this and again: never have a child if you're not psychologically ready. Being a parent means forgetting about any selfish thoughts. Your child will always come before anything, so unless you're ready to embrace this fact, I'm sorry to say, you are not ready for motherhood.

Of course, you won't know what to do with a child right away. I'll be the first to admit, the first three days after giving birth felt like I had this little human that now depended on me but I didn't know her. It was a new person and I couldn't grasp what that meant. However, On the third day, I looked at her and I was overwhelmed with joy and love. This happened when I was finally alone with her for the first time. I gave her a bath, she completely depended on me and I completely accepted that. My life as I knew it completely changed and I knew I would never change it even if I had a choice. She was my everything. A child deserves all the love and guidance and patience you can get. Of course, the terrible two's hit and it's another ball game. You cannot expect to have a perfect child (according to society). You cannot expect to bring a child to a restaurant, especially a 2 year old and expect to stay there for a couple hours without incident or them getting bored or expect them to just sit like adults. You will wake up when you don't want to, day after day. You will be tested to your breaking point and then your lovely child will do something, so little that will wipe away all those frustrations in a minute. Your child is the only person who can do this.

She's got so much energy, she constantly needs me and she'll pour baby powder all over the house (have you ever tried to clean baby powder off black leather???) but at the end of the day, this little person changed my life in the best possible way. I love her to death.

This post is dedicated to Lloyd who is beyond amazing as a father. He surprises me everyday and I'm so proud of the person he is.

Im now going to abruptly stop here, I never really know how to end a writing session... Probably because I still have lots to say.

Good night world,
J

Blurred lines

I'm back. After a little over a year, I'm ready to write. When I started this blog I wasn't sure of the direction I wanted to take with my writing but now, it seems a little more clearer.
First order of business is changing my blog name. Why? Previous name was "ever so restlessly". I came up with this back when my mind was always restless. I found it intriguing, poetic, with a twist of dark sweetness... I Don't feel restless 80% of the time anymore so, new chapter...new name. I'm happy to introduce "blurred lines". And no, this blog has nothing to do with Mr. Thicke, or naked girls, well maybe the last one... Who knows, I want a strong following and sex seems to sell right? Moving on...
The blog address is: " blurredlinesCGY.blogspot.ca". For those who don't live in or know of cow town, CGY stands for Calgary. Obviously I wanted blurredlines.blogspot.ca but of course it was already taken and yes it was about Mr.Thicke. I checked.

Good, since that is covered, I'm now going to do what every new blogger does... Well, I'm not new but I really haven't been into the blogosphere for a while, so for now let's say I'm new. Here goes..." I promise to post very often, several times a day if I can. I will bombard your mailboxes with exciting posts and details about my passions". This is always bull, unless the blogger in question is Perez Hilton. On a more realistic note though, I love to write, I express that way, ever since I could read and write, I always kept a diary. In my teenage years, this was more for keeping track of my hot crushes LOL, but really, writing has always been my to go to venting tool... Ask my boyfriend, he'll tell you this. When I met him 5-6 years ago(I'm a little iffy on the date details, oups) I used to write him letters, with a pen and paper. He will also tell you, when I'm angry and want to pick a fight, I will do it via text message even if he's sitting right in front of me. True story. So I will be posting whenever inspiration strikes or if I want to vent about something Kanye West did... It could be once a day or once a year...That said, I am not a professional. You will find syntax problems in my writing, errors, back to front sentences (I'm French, deal with it, please... See.. nicely asked..).
All this rambling to say, I love writing, I want to share my views, opinions, sarcasm etc with you so please bare with it and try to read till the end. Also if you don't mind, please share the post you like and I'll do you a favour in return. The small print here says no sexual favours, I'm practically married so don't go there.

I hope you will get my humour, and I encourage comments because I love feedback and conversations. I'm social, I'm an Aquarius.

Good night world.

Present

Her computer screen is on and although her mind is going 1000 miles an hour, she can't come up with words to keep her book going. Funny thing is, this is a book about things she knows about, things that happened to her first hand; yet she can't come up with a line of words. Perhaps because there is so much going on in her mind she can't just focus on one chapter.
Mr. X messaged her this afternoon and asked her if he could talk to her.. He just wanted to vent and she was glad she finally was that person he could vent to.
As she looked up and listened to the dishwasher homely noise, she envied it. The dishwasher has its purpose, it doesn't need more or less, what about her? When and how is her purpose going to be fulfilled?

Caged bird

She's so in love with X, so in love with her daughter. Her love life is fully fulfilled yet she feels uneasy, her mind ever so restless. What is she waiting for? What is that feeling? What is that urge? Right now, she's got love and it couldn't be any more perfect but she feels like a caged bird. She needs to fly but where to?what does the future hold? How can she express all that passion in a rewarding way?
All these thoughts went through her head as she watched her cat through the patio door. Intrigued by the way he was looking at her, so sure, so serene, She then internally and quietly asked him, " do you know all the answers"?

Destiny

Walking in the thick snow, up the hill she climbs her hand in his. He looks back at her and smiles. She smiles back and tightens her grip on his hand. She feels and sudden jolt of happiness and she starts to run up the hill. He laugh runs after her and catches her before she falls in the snow. He helps her back up and looks in her eyes and he says "I'm so addicted to you"... In that moment she feels so thankful because she feels as if they have been given a second chance. A chance to fall in love again, and it feels amazing.

Next on the chapter in her life is figuring out what is this feeling she has, almost like a poll towards something great, something she doesn't know and something she doesn't understand quite yet.

Winter's grey

Like Colette Marchant's painting, her mind is a mystery of grey. The sun will surely shine but her heart is blue. Blue with melancholia, no regrets. She missed his laughter and his childlike carefree demeanor. On this winter grey day she wondered, will she ever get her best friend back?

Restlessly

Her mind flows restlessly, she has been feeling happy lately. That is a big word. Her best friend always asks her what is so different about him and it makes her mind think restlessly.
That evening, she receives a text message from him: I miss you, and her heart melts, she feels it, the zsa zsa zsu, after all these years it's still there. That is what is so different about him.

LOVE vs love

And Just like that, he was gone. She knew she would never give him what he wanted. She would never be fully there. She loved him too much to keep going. Mr Y was sweet, comfort and home, she wanted his love and she wanted to protect him. Mr X was like a fire that burned but felt warm, unknown, he challenged her, he was the one she could never shake. She loved and still loves Y, she is in love with X. It would never change. She had to let him go. Despite all of that, she missed her best friend. She sometimes imagines, Y finding a worthy girl, who is in love with him, over heels, just so she can have her best friend back. She wishes they could all be best friends. But that is just wishful thinking, that is pure utopia.

Sweet emotion

She looks at him as she thinks to herself, no one is perfect. They are sitting on the sofa side by side, managing to keep their hands of each other. She feels like things are different now. They've come so far and she finally feels like she truly matters to him. He wanted to talk tonight, to reassure her, let her know he's fully committed to her. Still, she knows it won't be that easy... No one is perfect, she can't expect him to be. As he holds her in his arms, whispering how much he wants her, she closes her eyes and responds the best way she knows to... He kisses her and tells her not to worry about anything. How wonderful he thinks she is and how lucky he is to have her. She thinks to herself that he may not be perfect but he is her imperfect man. He's always had her and he always will.